Sunday, October 2, 2011

Something is wrong here..

So there I was sitting at Barnes and Noble, sipping on a latte, leisurely tasting my delicious veggie quiche, skimming quietly through a few books I picked up....and then my brain kicked in:

I'm forgetting something! Do I have an appointment I'm missing right now?

Nope, nowhere to be.

Something is missing! Is it my purse?

Nope, that's right here.

I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was missing a limb. And then it hit me. I was alone. I didn't have either child with me. And not because I forgot them somewhere, but because they were both at playgroup! And I didn't have to pick them up for two and a half more hours! The sick feeling in my stomach quickly was replaced by outright giggling and the enire cafe was now staring at me. I couldn't stop smiling as I looked around and people watched, read my books, and relaxingly ate my breakfast without one person needing anything from me. No whining, crying, diapers, playdates to clean for, laundry to do,or work to complete. Well, at least none of that stuff while I was in Barnes and Nobles for that one glorious morning.
This what what I had dreamed about for the last 3 and a half years! But then, about an hour into my freedom I was stuck. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I ate all my food, coffee was gone, and books were skimmed. I made myself sit there quietly and just savor the moment. But I just started with the To DO lists in my head. Then I made myself browse some more. I kept looking at the clock. I just couldn't relax. I felt like I should be doing something productive! I kept arguing with myself to enjoy my time, but it was an actual fight in my brain. My body just didn't remember how to just BE. After a while I just gave up and went to the grocery store and picked up a few things that we needed. I figured I had plenty of time to re-learn how to "chill" and I was really looking forward to it!
That was two months ago and I haven't had another chance since. Oh well, maybe in three more years!

No comments: